A few steps back...

I need to let everyone know about what has happened with Annie the past couple days. Today marks her two week home mark, but tonight she is not home. Last night after an evening feeding Nicki was burping Annie and suddenly noticed she was not breathing and had turned bluish-purple. This was extremely scary and she raced out of the room, down the hall and into the family room where I was playing my trombone--getting ready to perform in church today. They ran into the room and Nicki got my attention pretty quickly. I raced over to her and there was little Annie hanging limp in Nicki's arms--her body looked lifeless and was very blue. Her little hands hung there motionless and for all intents and purposes she looked dead! Oh my goodness. Nicki and I were both in shock. I took the limp body of our Annie and began trying to rouse her. At this point I had her on the guest bed we have in the family room. We called her name, patted her back, scratched her feet--all to no avail. Immediately the thoughts began to swim around in my head: this was the end; this was how Annie's life would end; she was going to die and I felt helpless. I found myself going through the motions of beginning infant CPR. I got her on her back and tilted her had backward to try and clear the airway the best I could. Supporting her neck with one hand, I used the other hand to begin chest compressions. I used two fingers and began compressing her chest in the hopes of jump starting her breathing system.

After a few compressions I paused (she was still just as blue and limp) and began doing mouth to mouth--I did this a couple times. As I breathed oxygen in I could hear liquid gargling inside her lungs and knew she had most likely aspirated breast milk. After blowing in the air I noticed milk started oozing out her nose and mouth. I sort of took courage at this, thinking that maybe we were making some progress and the junk was starting to make its exit. But, Annie was still just as limp and lifeless as before. I did this whole CPR process another time with the same result. While I was doing this Nicki was on the telephone with the EMTs.

By now it had been probably 3-4 minutes since we started trying to resuscitate Annie (Nicki and I moved her to the floor at this point to try with harder ground) and I was losing hope. I didn't know what more I could do. At that moment--the moment when I felt all hope was gone--I had the thought: Ryan, give her a blessing. At first I thought, well, I don't want to stop CPR--I've got to keep going. But, the thought won out. I supported Annie with one hand and put my free hand on her head. I basically said the words: "Annie, by the power of the priesthood I bless you to breath"--in that very moment Annie took a giant gasp of air! This gave me a lot of hope and I began trying to suck fluid out of her mouth and nose with my mouth. I also continued trying to breath oxygen into her mouth--to get her breathing fully again. She gasped again and I could feel her little heart racing under my hands. Nicki brought a suction bulb and we began trying to suction the fluid out that way as well.

Just then the paramedics arrived--and Caleb and Elsie let them in. I had no idea Caleb and Elsie were awake! My whole world had stood still for those minutes of CPR and working with Annie. The emergency personnel ran in and asked to see Annie--who at this point was panting and gaining color back. They did some tests and basically monitored her for 20-30 minutes and then ultimately determined we ought to take her to Primary Children's to be looked at. So, we called my mom who immediately left Provo to come stay with the kids at home, called Jake our home teacher--who graciously came and sat with our kids until mom showed up.

So, we took Annie to the ER at Primary and after several hours she was admitted for observation and a battery of tests. All the tests so far have shown nothing conclusive as to the cause. She does not have infection (yet), her heart is fine, her vitals are fine. Her one big problem: she just keeps desaturating! Tomorrow Annie will get a bronchoscopy, a head ultrasound, an upper GI test, and possibly a swallow study. All of these tests will hopefully give us some more answers.

For now, we are exhausted and the kids are ready for their mom and dad to just stay put. This was so, so scary. No parent should ever have to go through something like this. Of course, now there is no way we will ever want to leave her unattended when she comes home! How will we sleep or do anything where we take our eyes off of her? Hopefully we will come home with a monitor of some sort.

Finally, thanks be to God for His power in lending Annie breath. He is the one who jump started her breathing. He is with us through this experience--this painful, aggravating, depressing, frightening, gut wrenching experience. More to follow.